Some kind of death wish

So there’s an aspect of depression that is very difficult to talk about. Yeah, I know, like the rest of it isn’t, right? Well. That’s true. But I manage ok with talking about the rest of it. I think. At least I’m learning to. I guess what I mean is that while the rest of it may be difficult to talk about in person, it doesn’t seem so hard here.

But what I have in mind is very difficult to write about too. The ‘S’ word. There. I can’t even write the word.

I remember when I first thought about ending my life – even that phrase is hard to write – and I felt so ashamed of the thought. I had to tell my wife. But I couldn’t tell her using my voice – I had to write it down. And this was a few days after the fact too. And I had to dress it up in a way that wouldn’t scare her – I even put a smiley at the end. To lighten the tone. Yep. A smiley.

I feel hugely guilty that I’ve ever had those thoughts. And that may be why it’s so uncomfortable to write about.

Anyway. I wanted to relay something I learnt about a friend the other day. They were very brave to share this with me. And before you question whether I should be sharing this, they know I blog and are happy for me to share.

So. Here’s what they told me. They too have had thoughts of ending their life – since their depression began. They, like me, have never acted upon it (thankfully) but the fact that they have had those thoughts haunts them in a particular way.

Their paternal grandfather ended his own life. A very sad thing for my friend to hold in their knowledge. In addition though, they also believe that their father made an attempt at taking his own life – mercifully he his still alive. But these two factors weigh heavily on my friend – and I can certainly see why. What is particularly troubling though is that there is a big part of them,  that believes it is destiny that they will end their own life too. That they will be completing the circle. Like they have some kind of death wish.

That was a very sad thing to hear. And I had no idea what to say – other than the obvious response of ‘please don’t believe that’.

But is that good enough? At their darkest times the thoughts that will enter their head are not likely to be rational ones. And I would guess that we all look for reason as to why we are here and what our own destiny will be. And if their belief at those darkest moments are that they are fulfilling a destiny – on top of the fact they already feel worthless, or hate themselves, or can only see darkness, or all of the above, then my words are, quite frankly, going to sound pretty hollow.

If ever I wanted some words of advice – to pass on – it is now.

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